I Heard Myself

 Around 3:15 this afternoon, I listened intently to the words I heard coming out of my own mouth, sharing the concentration of my 4 person, high school senior, EM-in-training audience. At once, I was forming the thoughts into sentences pouring from my mouth, and digesting the meaning of those sentences through my ears into my mind and, unexpectedly, into my heart.

Sometimes I get the chance to enjoy surprise conversions through the medium I least expect to become the source of conversion: myself.

This year has been difficult already. I am straining under the pressure and exhaustion of processing ongoing discernment, drastic family relocations, and (essentially) 2 new jobs.
I have not done well at resting, exercising, praying, or keeping in touch. Despite all personal experience, scientific data, and warning signs, some good habits always seem beyond me and some lazy ones always latch on.

But even within the teetering heart of a deepening-ly ramshackle life, I get surprised by joy. Today, as I listened to myself offering moments-previously-dormant-but-now-passionate elucidations of the significance of the Eucharist, the mystery of our participation in Gods mission of salvation to all humanity through Jesus Christ, and the unfathomable beauty of God's freely willed offering of love through unfathomably vulnerable intimacy both in his human infancy and in his Real Presence in the Eucharist, I reminded myself of a young Me. And I remembered. I became alive again. And everything suddenly, if momentarily, reverted to its original and perpetual nature as gift.

Joy flew in and out and the battle trudges on.

But today, if only for a moment, I heard myself, and I reminded myself of another Me, a young Me, who encouraged me to hope again.
Thank God for moments like today when I can finally forget myself enough to allow God's memory to become my own. And things are well again.

Discerning, Changing

The time to beginHas certainly come to pass.
Let it not escape.

The weight of living
Touches me invisibly,
But now, time to breathe.

Moments race as if
The present were not enough
Space or time for them.

Lead, Kindly Light through
the encircling glood, Lord lead
me on, Lord, lead me.

Breathe, okay, breathe, yes
Yes, yes, oh no okay breathe
Sleep, Rest in His peace.
 
Each wave seems taller
The shadow lies, it is small.
Learning eases fear.